goodbye time

So here I am sitting in my room trying to study for my last final and all of a sudden my computer goes to the picture screensaver. As I get distracted from studying by watching the changing pictures, I began to reflect on my experience here. A new vet, Rebecca arrived last night and I can’t describe the feeling I felt when she asked how long I was here for and I told her “Until Thursday.” It sounded like an automated response, as it flowed so freely, effortlessly out of my mouth. But tonight as Margot and Andrew took us Americans up to Signal Hill to watch the sunset and I was sitting there with Miss Piggy in my lap, watching the sun disappear behind the vast ocean and watching all the city lights begin to flicker on- I realized that I only have until Thursday.
My ending here is approaching fast and to be honest, I’m not ready to say goodbye.

Cape Town is a complex city, Africa in general is a multifaceted continent. And my time here has been short- but every moment, every day since July 8th, I’ve called this place home. And finally tonight- having dinner around the table with Margot, Andrew, Ali and Rebecca, I actually felt at home.

I’ll be honest with you (whoever YOU are that is reading this…) but I’ve never been good at saying goodbye. In fact I suck at it. I would much rather avoid you than have to say goodbye. At least if I avoid you then it’s more of a “we’ll see each other when we see each other”- it doesn’t have the official stamp of a goodbye. When I say goodbye it becomes real to me that I won’t be seeing you for a certain period of time. Yes goodbyes can sometimes be for a short period of time, but usually when you make a deal out of “saying goodbye” it’s for a significant amount of time or maybe for an unknown amount of time.

But on Thursday I have to say goodbye; goodbye to my new family, goodbye to 26 Raapenberg Road, goodbye to the life I’ve made here.

I guess you could say I had 5 months to prepare for this goodbye, but really- I honestly didn’t expect it to come this fast.

When Rebecca asked me how my experience here has been, I was hesitant with my answer. How do you answer such a complicated question in a way that doesn’t send you reminiscing about your life since July?

So here’s my answer:
Over the past 5 months-
my life has changed in ways I couldn’t even imagine it would,
I’ve experienced things I only dreamt about,
I’ve felt emotions that I never knew existed
And I’ve met people who, even if I tried my hardest, I’d never be able to forget.

My experience here is not describable in words.
Not in pictures.
My experience here can only be conveyed in the ways that I’ve changed as a person. The ways I’ve grown up and matured since I’ve been here. The ways in which going to an African country not knowing a single person, the ways in which living with another family and experiencing their every day life, the ways in which living in a country that ended segregation only 14 years ago, can change you.

Change. That’s a powerful word. And it’s a big word for Americans right now.
But as scary as change is, it is necessary. And it is inevitable. I’ll admit, I’ve changed.
I came here with expectations. As much as I tried to reassure myself that I didn’t, deep down I did. It’s only natural to expect something. I can’t tell you what I expected, but I had some image, some thought as to how my life would go about while attending UCT.

Not all my expectations were met- and I’m glad they weren’t. New challenges forced me to completely adapt how I live my life here from how I’m used to living normally. I’ll admit at times I didn’t necessarily embrace challenges with open arms, but I did overcome them. And because of that, I’ve changed.

I’ll be seeing my mom December 5. It will be 1 day short of exactly 6 months from the day she dropped me off at Newark International Airport to come here. I can’t tell you how ecstatic I am to see her and receive one of her good “mom-hugs.”
And she’ll notice it- the change; the small piece of Africa I’m taking with me and I’ll never have to say goodbye to.